Hey there.. It’s me.. Cancer..

15 December 2015... Worst day for the year 2015... Tuhan je yang tahu betapa hancur nya hati ni... this was the day kitaorg pergi amik results MRI Aisy.. I never thought I would hear it again... Doctor said the cancer is back and active.. and it has spread and showing signs of spreading further.. but he said it is not so aggressive because it took one year from the last MRI for it to spread... he said the lymph nodes near the spine is swollen and melekat to each other.. and the tumour is blocking his right kidney punya output, so kidney sebelah kanan dah mula membengkak sebab ade halangan...

Doctor suggest buat immediate operation... tapi as we already know.. the operation is high risk... so the kind doctor gave us time untuk decide.. sebab Aisy tak symptomatic pun... xde tunjuk apa2 kesakitan or symptom pun.. so macam mana nak decide? Operation tuh can make him paralyse, brain damage, severe blood loss, major complications that could cause him to.... u know...

However, if tak buat operation, slowly mungkin dia punya kidney boleh damage lagi teruk, boleh develop symptom2 lain, cancer tuh boleh spread lagi ke tempat lain and worst case scenario, doctor kata, dia boleh paralyse.. sebab main tumour yang ade tuh dekat spine L2-L5 yang mengganggu pinggang ke bawah.

Sejak hari tuh... theres not a day that goes by yang I tak nangis... last week doctor N call tanya if we have decided anything.. i told him we need to sit down with the head surgeon first before deciding anything coz nak go thru all the details of the surgery IF we ever decided to go along with it..

So far Aisy is doing well.. masih main, makan, lompat2 like a normal kid.. pergi tadika macam biasa... life is good for him now...

I don’t know what to say.. I don’t know what to think.. I don’t know what i feel..

Hari2 tenung wajah dia.. tengok jer dia bila dia bermain... wondering apa nasib dia lepas ni... anakku.. yang sikit pun tak berdosa.. yang sikit pun tak bersalah... yang sikit pun taktau apa yang sedang berlaku pada dia...

Aku pasrah... Aku berserah... apa pun keputusan yang dibuat lepas ni bukanlah dari kami kerana itu semua ketentuan Ilahi.. semuanya daripada Dia.. kerana aku milik Dia.. anakku juga milik Dia... aku cuma mintak keredhaan, keteguhan iman dan ketabahan untuk menghadapi segala ketentuan, dugaan n ujian yang diberi...

Readers, please doakan untuk Aisy Ezkandar... semoga dia kembali sihat tanpa perlu mengharungi apa2 kesakitan dan kesengsaraan dan keluarga kami juga mendapat keberkatan dan kebaikan daripada dugaan ini...

Ibu berserah sayang... Although deep down, ibu sangat berharap Aisy dipinjamkan lama sikit kepada ibu... sebab ibu belum tahu macam mana nak hidup tanpa Aisy...

Aisy's MRI Scanxiety

Salaam n Heylo dear readers.. 

Please pray for Aisy.. He is having his MRI scan done this coming 1st december......n im having the scanxiety.. The paralyzing fear moms feel in a time period before MRIs and other scans. Time period fluctuates and depends on length of time from last scans and many other factors.

I find scanxiety hits when I am the most vulnerable. This is normally during the middle of the night like right now as im writing.. when sleep has yet to be found or I am suddenly jolted from sleep.. This is when I experience the panic attacks that cause my heart to stutter and a clammy sweat that no fan will cool. Scanxiety also hits us when our child is suddenly sick or something is out of the norm which i worry almost everyday about Aisy eventho it has never been made for public to see... Some call it Mom's Intuition, but for me it is much worse than that.

We suffer scanxiety because we have been on the other side of those scans when we never anticipated we would hear the words, "Your child has cancer." We know the reality that may not be this time, but it has been and it could be again.

Scanxiety is stronger than the faith of even the most devoted. It isn't because we don't have enough faith, but that Satan knows how to use our weaknesses and vulnerabilities to his advantage. He knows how to fill those cracks with doubts and fears.

I would love to say that now the MRIs and CT Scans are over n today I am past the scanxiety attack. But nope! Can't say that. Until I hear from the doctors the official all clear, the fear will remain! 

His results review will be on 15th december.. So i think i will journey thru half of this december with nail biting n sudden tears.. Not forgetting d panic attacks whilst driving.. But God is Great n God is Fair.. N hanya padaNya kita serahkan segalanya.. He knows best! But pls keep Aisy in ur prayers.. N hopefully the results would be that the tumour hasnt grown or by miracle, it has gotten smaller... Thank u n pls keep praying..

Luv,

Worried Mom