Aisy's MRI Scanxiety

Salaam n Heylo dear readers.. 

Please pray for Aisy.. He is having his MRI scan done this coming 1st december......n im having the scanxiety.. The paralyzing fear moms feel in a time period before MRIs and other scans. Time period fluctuates and depends on length of time from last scans and many other factors.

I find scanxiety hits when I am the most vulnerable. This is normally during the middle of the night like right now as im writing.. when sleep has yet to be found or I am suddenly jolted from sleep.. This is when I experience the panic attacks that cause my heart to stutter and a clammy sweat that no fan will cool. Scanxiety also hits us when our child is suddenly sick or something is out of the norm which i worry almost everyday about Aisy eventho it has never been made for public to see... Some call it Mom's Intuition, but for me it is much worse than that.

We suffer scanxiety because we have been on the other side of those scans when we never anticipated we would hear the words, "Your child has cancer." We know the reality that may not be this time, but it has been and it could be again.

Scanxiety is stronger than the faith of even the most devoted. It isn't because we don't have enough faith, but that Satan knows how to use our weaknesses and vulnerabilities to his advantage. He knows how to fill those cracks with doubts and fears.

I would love to say that now the MRIs and CT Scans are over n today I am past the scanxiety attack. But nope! Can't say that. Until I hear from the doctors the official all clear, the fear will remain! 

His results review will be on 15th december.. So i think i will journey thru half of this december with nail biting n sudden tears.. Not forgetting d panic attacks whilst driving.. But God is Great n God is Fair.. N hanya padaNya kita serahkan segalanya.. He knows best! But pls keep Aisy in ur prayers.. N hopefully the results would be that the tumour hasnt grown or by miracle, it has gotten smaller... Thank u n pls keep praying..

Luv,

Worried Mom

Birthday boy's oncology check up & ultrasound

Salaam n hello ualls... Guess what?? It's Aisy's birthday today!! Hihihi im sure im more excited than he is hahah we had a small intimate birthday party last weekend for him.. But today, is his appointment with the oncologist n also ultrasound scan.. However cheerful we are today.. Dr said the ultrasound showed an increase in the size of the tumour (again)... So i dunno whether to rely on it or not.. Sbb harituh pun camtu gak kan.. So Dr pun ckp, tunggu jelah MRI next month mcm mane.. Since 1st december is appointment MRI dia. So we'll see how..lets pray n hope this birthday boy gets to celebrate many2 more birthdays insyaallah .. 

He is a happy boy today singing birthday songs all day long hahahha .. Nak bgtau org hari ni birthday dia la tewww hahahah

And on his 3rd birthday, thought i'd share this poem i made for him..

Aisy sayang.. This is for u..

To my Little Fighter on his 3rd Birthday

 

3rd November 2012, was the day u were born,

1001 feelings juggled inside me,

To keep you safe, to myself I had sworn,

No harm would come to you, I’d guarantee.

 

But God had His own better plan,

I was shattered to pieces when they told me,

Hoping that they were wrong scan after scan,

And finally I accepted of what was meant to be.

 

You are my one & only, my baby,

They poked, cut and poisoned you,

And I watched as you grow weary,

All I could do was wipe my tears & your vomit on my shoe.

 

I’m glad those heartbreaking days are over,

Although I still worry everyday if “it” were to come back,

But for now, I’m enjoying my days with my lil survivor,

And I thank God everyday for cutting me some slack.

 

They said 5 years.

And now you’re 3.

Can’t afford to hold back the tears.

Knowing that you’re still with me.

 

- Written by Nina Ghouse, for my son, Aisy Ezkandar, Neuroblastoma Cancer Stage Four survivor.